A long time ago in a pub that no longer exists I met a young woman that I shall refer to as "Lisa." she would show up on Tuesday nights for trivia along with two of her friends who happened to be married to each other. We didn't know that at first. We thought that they were the couple that Joe Jackson was singing about.
Upon getting to know them I soon found out that the dude was smart. Science smart. Not Sheldon Cooper smart but definitely Leonard Hofstadter smart. However, he did think that I was a physicist. Anyway, I digress.
Usually at halftime and/or afterwards I would talk to Lisa. Sometimes her friends would join us. We had some interesting conversations. She really got me to open up. I would tell her stuff that only those closest to me knew. Even some stuff they didn't
She was very open with me as well. We never got really close or anything. It was just something to do. A bit of a weekly distraction. Nothing ever happened between us nor did I want it to.
I have no idea how old she was and I know better than to ask. I'm fairly safe in guessing that she was at least twenty-one unless she had a fake ID. I wasn't old enough to be her father. Uncle, maybe. Hopefully not a creepy one.
The one recurring theme in our conversations was about her desire for breast enlargement surgery. I'm not judgemental about such things. It's a personal choice. Having said that, breast size does not matter to me. No, seriously.
On the other hand I can certainly understand women who judge men about their size and I'm not just talking about their bank account. I'm a bit cynical that way. Others would say that I'm a realist.
Yes, I have my own insecurities. I'm only human. Flesh and blood. A man. Sometimes they hold me back. Other times I really don't care.
So anyway, if Lisa's female friend was around when the subject came up she would usually go quiet and sometimes even look away. I guess that she had heard it all a million times before.
The first time Lisa mentioned this I tried to reassure her by saying, "That's okay, I have small hands. They'll seem big to me." Needless to say that didn't work. At least I didn't offend her. If I did she didn't say anything about it.
The next time it came up I became very serious. She kept saying that no guy wants to date her and so on and so forth. I told her that there were a lot of guys that would be very happy to date her just the way she is. Of course she didn't believe me.
This was probably the first time in my life that I ever felt anything close to being paternal. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. I also knew that it wouldn't help.
At this point I should mention that she was very pretty. I was attracted to her the first time I saw her. Age difference not withstanding. Just as a point of reference she looked a bit like Selma Blair.
Back in the day a friend told me that he never noticed exactly how large his girlfriend's breasts were until he actually got to see them. I thought that it was the biggest bunch of b.s. I had ever heard. That was until the exact same thing happened to me a few years later.
Every week I would so through this whole song and dance routine just to keep Lisa from bringing the subject up. Every now and then it worked. Other nights I failed and I just wanted to bash my head against a wall. And some other nights I would talk to this other girl, "Polyester," who usually by this point had a few too many and would flash me in an attempt to get me to buy her a shot.
When Lisa talked about wanting surgery it wasn't in a sad or pitiful way. It was a bit mournful and matter of fact. If you can combine the two that is. It's the only way that I can think of to describe it.
I tried to the best of my abilities to to explain to her that she wasn't defined by her breasts. I would tell her that she was smart and pretty. I would also tell her that her womanhood was located somewhere south of Hooterville, but I would do it in a far less vulgar and demeaning way.
After a few months the pub closed. It's not the first or last time that has happened to me and my friends. I never got to see her again. I have no idea what happened to her. I just hope that she is happy.
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