A long time ago in a pub that no longer exists I met a young woman that I shall refer to as "Lisa." she would show up on Tuesday nights for trivia along with two of her friends who happened to be married to each other. We didn't know that at first. We thought that they were the couple that Joe Jackson was singing about.
Upon getting to know them I soon found out that the dude was smart. Science smart. Not Sheldon Cooper smart but definitely Leonard Hofstadter smart. However, he did think that I was a physicist. Anyway, I digress.
Usually at halftime and/or afterwards I would talk to Lisa. Sometimes her friends would join us. We had some interesting conversations. She really got me to open up. I would tell her stuff that only those closest to me knew. Even some stuff they didn't
She was very open with me as well. We never got really close or anything. It was just something to do. A bit of a weekly distraction. Nothing ever happened between us nor did I want it to.
I have no idea how old she was and I know better than to ask. I'm fairly safe in guessing that she was at least twenty-one unless she had a fake ID. I wasn't old enough to be her father. Uncle, maybe. Hopefully not a creepy one.
The one recurring theme in our conversations was about her desire for breast enlargement surgery. I'm not judgemental about such things. It's a personal choice. Having said that, breast size does not matter to me. No, seriously.
On the other hand I can certainly understand women who judge men about their size and I'm not just talking about their bank account. I'm a bit cynical that way. Others would say that I'm a realist.
Yes, I have my own insecurities. I'm only human. Flesh and blood. A man. Sometimes they hold me back. Other times I really don't care.
So anyway, if Lisa's female friend was around when the subject came up she would usually go quiet and sometimes even look away. I guess that she had heard it all a million times before.
The first time Lisa mentioned this I tried to reassure her by saying, "That's okay, I have small hands. They'll seem big to me." Needless to say that didn't work. At least I didn't offend her. If I did she didn't say anything about it.
The next time it came up I became very serious. She kept saying that no guy wants to date her and so on and so forth. I told her that there were a lot of guys that would be very happy to date her just the way she is. Of course she didn't believe me.
This was probably the first time in my life that I ever felt anything close to being paternal. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. I also knew that it wouldn't help.
At this point I should mention that she was very pretty. I was attracted to her the first time I saw her. Age difference not withstanding. Just as a point of reference she looked a bit like Selma Blair.
Back in the day a friend told me that he never noticed exactly how large his girlfriend's breasts were until he actually got to see them. I thought that it was the biggest bunch of b.s. I had ever heard. That was until the exact same thing happened to me a few years later.
Every week I would so through this whole song and dance routine just to keep Lisa from bringing the subject up. Every now and then it worked. Other nights I failed and I just wanted to bash my head against a wall. And some other nights I would talk to this other girl, "Polyester," who usually by this point had a few too many and would flash me in an attempt to get me to buy her a shot.
When Lisa talked about wanting surgery it wasn't in a sad or pitiful way. It was a bit mournful and matter of fact. If you can combine the two that is. It's the only way that I can think of to describe it.
I tried to the best of my abilities to to explain to her that she wasn't defined by her breasts. I would tell her that she was smart and pretty. I would also tell her that her womanhood was located somewhere south of Hooterville, but I would do it in a far less vulgar and demeaning way.
After a few months the pub closed. It's not the first or last time that has happened to me and my friends. I never got to see her again. I have no idea what happened to her. I just hope that she is happy.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Bicycle Diaries: Lance Armstrong
Warning: I am making this up as I go along.
So. What is new? What have we learned? Not a lot. To some people this will be an unspoken guilty plea. Others will take Armstrong at his word. Some will say that they knew that he was a doper all along. Some just don't care.
A lot of people feel that if Armstrong was clean while winning seven Tours de France against all those dopers then that is one of the greatest athletic feats of all time. Then again a lot of those same people will say that if he was doping then he won on a level playing field.
Others will see this as if it's one of those Lifetime movies where a college kid gets arrested in some sketchy foreign country and gets accused of doing something that they are totally innocent of. They end up pleading guilty either by mistake or just to stop all the madness. Then they go off to jail and they hope that they will be let out at the end of their sentence.
Then there is all the money that he as raised for cancer research. That is a good thing. Does it outweigh what he did to gain the notoriety that allowed him the ability to raise the funds?
We have all known someone who may or may not be in a business that is illegal but that doesn't mean they aren't nice guys. Maybe they donate to the local church. Maybe they paid for a new roof on the Senior Center. Whatever. They are still using money gained through unsavory means to do good works. I am NOT comparing Armstrong to a criminal. Let's be clear about that. There is a psychological term for what ever it is that escapes me.
Now all the haters will come out of the woodwork. All the ones that "knew all along" that he was doping. Like the French media. That's all we need. At least they will have a reason to smug.
Then there is Greg LeMond. I was a big fan of his back in the day. Over the last few years he has been one of the few Americans in the cycling community that was been willing to speak out against Lance.
"Willing" is the wrong word. In fact he went out of his way. The problem is that it made him look like a combination of a stalker and one of those cranks that call talk radio at three in the morning. I guess if you are proven right then you aren't paranoid after all.
LeMond had a number of business dealings with companies that were affiliated with Armstrong that went away when he started speaking out against Armstrong. Does he have a lawsuit? I'm sure an army of lawyers will say he does.
As for me I was in the "I want to believe" group for a long time. I was the Fox Mulder of cycling fans. "Was" being the operative word. I won't say exactly when I lost my faith. Faith is a personal thing.
So. What is new? What have we learned? Not a lot. To some people this will be an unspoken guilty plea. Others will take Armstrong at his word. Some will say that they knew that he was a doper all along. Some just don't care.
A lot of people feel that if Armstrong was clean while winning seven Tours de France against all those dopers then that is one of the greatest athletic feats of all time. Then again a lot of those same people will say that if he was doping then he won on a level playing field.
Others will see this as if it's one of those Lifetime movies where a college kid gets arrested in some sketchy foreign country and gets accused of doing something that they are totally innocent of. They end up pleading guilty either by mistake or just to stop all the madness. Then they go off to jail and they hope that they will be let out at the end of their sentence.
Then there is all the money that he as raised for cancer research. That is a good thing. Does it outweigh what he did to gain the notoriety that allowed him the ability to raise the funds?
We have all known someone who may or may not be in a business that is illegal but that doesn't mean they aren't nice guys. Maybe they donate to the local church. Maybe they paid for a new roof on the Senior Center. Whatever. They are still using money gained through unsavory means to do good works. I am NOT comparing Armstrong to a criminal. Let's be clear about that. There is a psychological term for what ever it is that escapes me.
Now all the haters will come out of the woodwork. All the ones that "knew all along" that he was doping. Like the French media. That's all we need. At least they will have a reason to smug.
Then there is Greg LeMond. I was a big fan of his back in the day. Over the last few years he has been one of the few Americans in the cycling community that was been willing to speak out against Lance.
"Willing" is the wrong word. In fact he went out of his way. The problem is that it made him look like a combination of a stalker and one of those cranks that call talk radio at three in the morning. I guess if you are proven right then you aren't paranoid after all.
LeMond had a number of business dealings with companies that were affiliated with Armstrong that went away when he started speaking out against Armstrong. Does he have a lawsuit? I'm sure an army of lawyers will say he does.
As for me I was in the "I want to believe" group for a long time. I was the Fox Mulder of cycling fans. "Was" being the operative word. I won't say exactly when I lost my faith. Faith is a personal thing.
Monday, August 20, 2012
A Morrissey Kind of Day
If you follow me on Twitter you know that yesterday the girlfriend of a Manchester City fan was checking me out. I don't know for a fact that they were boyfriend/girlfriend but they were together. It may have been early in the relationship. It could even be their first date. I didn't bother to find out. I don't go after other people's girlfriends. Or boyfriends for that matter. I also don't cheat. Partly because it's bad karma, but mostly because it's wrong.
Then there was the girl that I sort of liked. I say that because I don't know anything about her. Well, I do know one thing about her but I refuse to say what it is in case she is reading this. Yeah right! I don't even read this.
That is a recurring theme in my life--the one I want versus the one that wants me. It's a quandary. My problem is that I am a bit like Groucho Marx. He had no desire to join any club that would have him as a member. I have little desire for someone who desires me.
I attract crazy. Crazy is my demographic. Without crazy I would go crazy. I have always believed that it if you date a crazy person then you are crazier than the crazy person. Crazy, huh?
It's not that I liked her in that way --it's just that liked her. Period. Full stop. You know, in a friendly sort of way. I'm usually good about getting into the "friend zone." It's like the Mafia--once you're in you never get out. Then there is the Columbia Record and Tape Club but that's another story.
The thing is that she was giving me nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. To put it terms that we Arsenal supporters will understand--nil.
Maybe she didn't like my Queen T-shirt. Maybe she thought that I was a queen. Wouldn't be the first time someone thought that.
Then there was the girl that I sort of liked. I say that because I don't know anything about her. Well, I do know one thing about her but I refuse to say what it is in case she is reading this. Yeah right! I don't even read this.
That is a recurring theme in my life--the one I want versus the one that wants me. It's a quandary. My problem is that I am a bit like Groucho Marx. He had no desire to join any club that would have him as a member. I have little desire for someone who desires me.
I attract crazy. Crazy is my demographic. Without crazy I would go crazy. I have always believed that it if you date a crazy person then you are crazier than the crazy person. Crazy, huh?
It's not that I liked her in that way --it's just that liked her. Period. Full stop. You know, in a friendly sort of way. I'm usually good about getting into the "friend zone." It's like the Mafia--once you're in you never get out. Then there is the Columbia Record and Tape Club but that's another story.
The thing is that she was giving me nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. To put it terms that we Arsenal supporters will understand--nil.
Maybe she didn't like my Queen T-shirt. Maybe she thought that I was a queen. Wouldn't be the first time someone thought that.
Monday, August 13, 2012
I Just Don't Get It
We all learned that Sally Ride was gay after she died. This bit of information was somewhere deep inside her obituary. However, a lot of people thought it should be the headline. Seriously. Is this what you wanted?
SALLY RIDE WAS GAY!?!
Now she's dead. Oh by the way, she was the first American woman is space. It's the gay part that's throwing us. Who knew?
I thought that a person's sexuality doesn't matter. Why all the fuss? When the world learned that Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory is gay it was from people who were complaining that this nugget was located nowhere the first paragraph. My answer is, "So?"
Why do we feel the need to know who others are having sex with? If we had learned that Jim had been married, to a woman, for ten years and they have two children I would have thought that he has done a good job so far of keeping his private life private and I would wonder why all of a sudden he felt the urge to start talking.
I guess I just hate the fact that people have to still be in the closet in the twenty-first century. I hate the fact that there seems to be double standard at work here. I guess that some things are beyond my comprehension.
SALLY RIDE WAS GAY!?!
Now she's dead. Oh by the way, she was the first American woman is space. It's the gay part that's throwing us. Who knew?
I thought that a person's sexuality doesn't matter. Why all the fuss? When the world learned that Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory is gay it was from people who were complaining that this nugget was located nowhere the first paragraph. My answer is, "So?"
Why do we feel the need to know who others are having sex with? If we had learned that Jim had been married, to a woman, for ten years and they have two children I would have thought that he has done a good job so far of keeping his private life private and I would wonder why all of a sudden he felt the urge to start talking.
I guess I just hate the fact that people have to still be in the closet in the twenty-first century. I hate the fact that there seems to be double standard at work here. I guess that some things are beyond my comprehension.
Friday, August 10, 2012
NBC Fall Preview
Like a lot of people I've been watching the Olympics in between ads for the new NBC shows. I think that the Olympics will last longer than some of them. Or at least they should.
They have been in a bit of a funk since Friends went off the air. It's as if they lost their mojo. Other than 30 Rock, Saturday Night Live and Sunday Night Football I really don't watch NBC.
I can hear you say, "What about Community?" My answer is, "Exactly my point sir/ma'am. What about Community?" That is a case where NBC has a show that could be their Big Bang Theory but they treat it worse than CBS does Rules of Engagement. Serously. How did that show get on the air in the first place?
One of the new shows on NBC is Revoultion. normally this would be a no brainer for me since I am a big JJ Abrams fan. However it is on NBC. That scares me. Anyone remember Undercovers?
Usually JJ Abrams+spies=awesome but I forgot to divide by NBC. A show like that has two choices; it's either about spies who happen to be married or it's about a married couple who happen to be spies. That was a case of a show that had no idea what it was.
If it weren't for JJ Abrams name being attached then it probably would have been on USA where it might have had a chance. However, USA has the far superior Covert Affairs which is sort of Alias-Milo Rambaldi.
While I'm at it, do we really need yet another post-apocalyptic show on TV? I liked Jericho. No, I didn't send CBS a sack of peanuts when they cancelled it.
The thing is that even the best of these shows is a bit formulaic. It always comes down to good guys versus bad guys. Some of the good guys aren't so good and some of the bad guys aren't so bad. Sometimes.
Then there is the inevitable group of stereotypical Rednecks who have the weapons and/or medicine. At least Falling Skies got this hackneyed plot point out of the way in the first episode. One could argue that on The Walking Dead they are all Rednecks. I'm from the South. Some necks are redder than others.
Then there is Go On. I like Matthew Perry. I liked Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Yep, that was me. When I heard that he was going to have a new show I was a bit worried. It was as if some NBC exec said, "If Matt LeBlanc can win a Golden Globe for playing himself then Mathew Perry can win an Emmy for just about anything."
I watched Go On the other night. I liked it. Mostly. Perry plays a sports radio talk show host whose wife died and management makes him go to group therapy.
The therapy sessions are the strong part of the show. It's so easy to make the members into stereotypes because we've seen it all before on The Bob Newhart Show and Dear John and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. So far they have avoided it but it was only the first episode.
The weak part seems to be the sports talk bit. Terrell Owens was in the pilot and he did a good job but if they are depending on sports stars to be actors and/or drive the ratings then they are in serious trouble.
They have been in a bit of a funk since Friends went off the air. It's as if they lost their mojo. Other than 30 Rock, Saturday Night Live and Sunday Night Football I really don't watch NBC.
I can hear you say, "What about Community?" My answer is, "Exactly my point sir/ma'am. What about Community?" That is a case where NBC has a show that could be their Big Bang Theory but they treat it worse than CBS does Rules of Engagement. Serously. How did that show get on the air in the first place?
One of the new shows on NBC is Revoultion. normally this would be a no brainer for me since I am a big JJ Abrams fan. However it is on NBC. That scares me. Anyone remember Undercovers?
Usually JJ Abrams+spies=awesome but I forgot to divide by NBC. A show like that has two choices; it's either about spies who happen to be married or it's about a married couple who happen to be spies. That was a case of a show that had no idea what it was.
If it weren't for JJ Abrams name being attached then it probably would have been on USA where it might have had a chance. However, USA has the far superior Covert Affairs which is sort of Alias-Milo Rambaldi.
While I'm at it, do we really need yet another post-apocalyptic show on TV? I liked Jericho. No, I didn't send CBS a sack of peanuts when they cancelled it.
The thing is that even the best of these shows is a bit formulaic. It always comes down to good guys versus bad guys. Some of the good guys aren't so good and some of the bad guys aren't so bad. Sometimes.
Then there is the inevitable group of stereotypical Rednecks who have the weapons and/or medicine. At least Falling Skies got this hackneyed plot point out of the way in the first episode. One could argue that on The Walking Dead they are all Rednecks. I'm from the South. Some necks are redder than others.
Then there is Go On. I like Matthew Perry. I liked Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Yep, that was me. When I heard that he was going to have a new show I was a bit worried. It was as if some NBC exec said, "If Matt LeBlanc can win a Golden Globe for playing himself then Mathew Perry can win an Emmy for just about anything."
I watched Go On the other night. I liked it. Mostly. Perry plays a sports radio talk show host whose wife died and management makes him go to group therapy.
The therapy sessions are the strong part of the show. It's so easy to make the members into stereotypes because we've seen it all before on The Bob Newhart Show and Dear John and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. So far they have avoided it but it was only the first episode.
The weak part seems to be the sports talk bit. Terrell Owens was in the pilot and he did a good job but if they are depending on sports stars to be actors and/or drive the ratings then they are in serious trouble.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Sesame Street
When I was a kid there was the bit or sketch or whatever about this kid Muppet named Charlie who gets lost in the city so he asks a cop for help. He doesn't recognize the cop as his Uncle Louie until he starts taking of his clothes. Creepy right?
So anyway, we've all known people like that. Hopefully not creepy uncles, but rather people we didn't recognize with their clothes on. I can think of a lot of "celebrities" who fall into that category.
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