Mixed Emotions

Remember about twenty years or so ago when hiking boots were all the rage?  If not ask your parents. Unless you are from Arkansas then ask your grandparents.

Anyway, I was wearing mine one day when I went to the bank. Standing there at the counter where they keep the deposit slips and stuff was a woman. She was very tall, maybe even taller than me, but I'm only 5'10".

She too was wearing hiking boots. I think hers were proper hiking boots. Mine were Nike. I'm just funny that way.

As I walked over to the counter I noticed that she was checking me out. No, I didn't believe it either. The second time she did it she smiled at me.

She then proceeds to the teller. I quickly finish and go to another one. As I walked over I was checking her out and she caught me and she smiled again.

As she was leaving she walked over and said something like, "See ya later." Then I said something intelligent like, "Yeah."

Then she walked out the door opposite to the one that I came in. As I stood there wishing that what she said was true I saw her get into her car. I can't remember what kind it was, maybe a Subaru.

That's when I saw someone in the shotgun seat. A man. The woman gives him the same smile that she gave me. My heart sank. I don't know why. We only "shared a moment."

As she backed out of the parking space I noticed something strapped to the passenger side door. It was a wheelchair.

Ponytails

Years ago one of my friends was into women with ponytails. More specifically; women with ponytails wearing baseball caps. I have to admit that it's a cute look. On the right woman. Guys not so much. Sorry to break it to you dude.

The thing is that sometimes you meet a woman with a ponytail and then see her later with her hair down and you are shocked. Shocked! Maybe it's a case of they don't know what to do with their hair when it's down. Maybe they don't do anything at all. And then sometimes it's by choice. You just want to say to them, "You actually paid someone to make your hair look like that?!" Of course it's unwise to actually say it.

Then again sometimes you meet someone with a cute, short haircut. At some point she says, "I'm letting my hair grow out." What you don't know is that the only reason that she is letting her hair grow so that she can have it in a ponytail all the time. 24/7. Constantly. You'll never see it down again. Ever. So anyway, you say, "Cool."

That's the thing about guys; if they date a woman with short hair they start to wonder what she would look like with longer hair or vice versa. Guys are just funny that way. It's nothing to worry about. Usually. When it starts getting into Vertigo territory--run.

Politics and The Dark Knight Rises

WARNING! Spoilers ahead. Turn back now lest ye be spoiled.

It seems that The Dark Knight Rises has struck a chord with political pundits. The conservatives see it as a Communist manifesto. They think it's an anti-achievement, eat the rich propaganda piece. In their opinion the film states that Bruce Wayne never found true happiness until he went broke. Never mind the fact that he actually found a woman that he could relate to. They also see it as pro Occupy Wall Street.

The liberals say it's anti Occupy Wall Street. They think the film is a tribute to Ayn Rand and that Wayne's John Galt-like exile was an attempt to state that nothing good ever happens unless it is initiated by the rich. The only thing that the two sides can agree on is that the film is about class warfare but they cannot agree on which side the film actually takes.

I think both sides are projecting way too much onto the movie, no pun intended. It was made by Christopher Nolan, not Leni Reifenstahl. If Nolan has any sort of political agenda I am not aware of it. Then again I don't spend all day trying to ferret out every one's political beliefs. I leave that to the people on talk radio. I couldn't care less what he believes in as long as he keeps making great art. Yeah, I know I just set myself up with that one.

The fact of the matter is that The Dark Knight Rises cost many millions of dollars to make and it wouldn't do to alienate half of the audience. That would financially irresponsible. I think that a lot of people go around looking for bias in everything. They will do or say anything to prove their point. I think this is called, "paranoia."

I know that I am not the smartest person in the world but I did not see any bias either way. I thought it was one of the most brutally honest films I have seen in years. Maybe it was a bit too honest.

It showed the breakdown of society. That "come the revolution" nothing will change, only the names. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. We are a a society of laws and rules be they of the government or our own personal code of conduct. When they break down we all end up in Hell.

The film shows that no matter if we see ourselves as individuals or as part of a collective we are all in this together whether we like it or not. We can be as selfish as we want but we all have to live together. We don't have to like each other but we cannot devolve into, "You are different, therefore I must destroy you."

The Dark Knight Trilogy forces us to ask the tough questions: Do we see Batman as a hero or as a vigilante? Do we see the villains as a product of society or as a direct result of Batman? Is Bruce Wayne a philanthropist or a member of the idle rich? If the government is corrupt then who can we turn to? If society breaks down where do I fit in? Is free energy really free?

The most brilliant thing about these films they hold a mirror up to society and more importantly to us as viewers. It exposes us for what we really are--human.

Asylum of the Daleks

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.


I guess that I wasn't the only one that was surprised by the appearance of Jenna-Louise Coleman in this episode. I'm glad that at least one show has the ability to surprise. However I do not spend a lot of time on spoiler sites.

I also did not know that people could be turned into Daleks. I thought that was more of a Cyberman thing. I guess that "Asylum of the Cybermen" wouldn't have been quite so cool. Yes, I do know what the Daleks did in "Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks" but I have been trying to forget ever since.

British blogger www.timegirlkatie.com pointed out that there were a number of "Americanisms" in the episode. Being American I didn't really notice. I did notice in "The Impossible Astronaut" that Rory said "gasoline" instead of "petrol" but I thought that there were two versions; one for the UK and one for North America. As usual I was wrong.

One thing that we are not sure of at the moment is whether or not Oswin is the character that Jenna-Louise Coleman will be playing when we see her next. She could be playing an ancestor or who knows? I have no idea what goes on in Steven Moffat's head.

If it is Oswin then this could be going the way of River Song in that we know the end of her story before we know the beginning. If she is an ancestor then the Doctor must keep her safe so that at some point Oswin will be born. It's far too timey wimey.

Body Issues

A long time ago in a pub that no longer exists I met a young woman that I shall refer to as "Lisa." she would show up on Tuesday nights for trivia along with two of her friends who happened to be married to each other. We didn't know that at first. We thought that they were the couple that Joe Jackson was singing about.

Upon getting to know them I soon found out that the dude was smart. Science smart. Not Sheldon Cooper smart but definitely Leonard Hofstadter smart. However, he did think that I was a physicist. Anyway, I digress.

Usually at halftime and/or afterwards I would talk to Lisa. Sometimes her friends would join us. We had some interesting conversations. She really got me to open up. I would tell her stuff that only those closest to me knew. Even some stuff they didn't

She was very open with me as well. We never got really close or anything. It was just something to do. A bit of a weekly distraction. Nothing ever happened between us nor did I want it to.

I have no idea how old she was and I know better than to ask. I'm fairly safe in guessing that she was at least twenty-one unless she had a fake ID. I wasn't old enough to be her father. Uncle, maybe. Hopefully not a creepy one.

The one recurring theme in our conversations was about her desire for breast enlargement surgery. I'm not judgemental about such things. It's a personal choice. Having said that, breast size does not matter to me. No, seriously.

On the other hand I can certainly understand women who judge men about their size and I'm not just talking about their bank account. I'm a bit cynical that way. Others would say that I'm a realist.

Yes, I have my own insecurities. I'm only human. Flesh and blood. A man. Sometimes they hold me back. Other times I really don't care.

So anyway, if Lisa's female friend was around when the subject came up she would usually go quiet and sometimes even look away. I guess that she had heard it all a million times before.

The first time Lisa mentioned this I tried to reassure her by saying, "That's okay, I have small hands. They'll seem big to me." Needless to say that didn't work. At least I didn't offend her. If I did she didn't say anything about it.

The next time it came up I became very serious. She kept saying that no guy wants to date her and so on and so forth. I told her that there were a lot of guys that would be very happy to date her just the way she is. Of course she didn't believe me.

This was probably the first time in my life that I ever felt anything close to being paternal. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. I also knew that it wouldn't help.

At this point I should mention that she was very pretty. I was attracted to her the first time I saw her. Age difference not withstanding. Just as a point of reference she looked a bit like Selma Blair.

Back in the day a friend told me that he never noticed exactly how large his girlfriend's breasts were until he actually got to see them. I thought that it was the biggest bunch of b.s. I had ever heard. That was until the exact same thing happened to me a few years later.

Every week I would so through this whole song and dance routine just to keep Lisa from bringing the subject up. Every now and then it worked. Other nights I failed and I just wanted to bash my head against a wall. And some other nights I would talk to this other girl, "Polyester," who usually by this point had a few too many and would flash me in an attempt to get me to buy her a shot.

When Lisa talked about wanting surgery it wasn't in a sad or pitiful way. It was a bit mournful and matter of fact. If you can combine the two that is. It's the only way that I can think of to describe it.

I tried to the best of my abilities to to explain to her that she wasn't defined by her breasts. I would tell her that she was smart and pretty. I would also tell her that her womanhood was located somewhere south of Hooterville, but I would do it in a far less vulgar and demeaning way.

After a few months the pub closed. It's not the first or last time that has happened to me and my friends. I never got to see her again. I have no idea what happened to her. I just hope that she is happy.

Bicycle Diaries: Lance Armstrong

Warning: I am making this up as I go along.

So. What is new? What have we learned? Not a lot. To some people this will be an unspoken guilty plea. Others will take Armstrong at his word. Some will say that they knew that he was a doper all along. Some just don't care.

A lot of people feel that if Armstrong was clean while winning seven Tours de France against all those dopers then that is one of the greatest athletic feats of all time. Then again a lot of those same people will say that if he was doping then he won on a level playing field.

Others will see this as if it's one of those Lifetime movies where a college kid gets arrested in some sketchy foreign country and gets accused of doing something that they are totally innocent of. They end up pleading guilty either by mistake or just to stop all the madness. Then they go off to jail and they hope that they will be let out at the end of their sentence.

Then there is all the money that he as raised for cancer research. That is a good thing. Does it outweigh what he did to gain the notoriety that allowed him the ability to raise the funds?

We have all known someone who may or may not be in a business that is illegal but that doesn't mean they aren't nice guys. Maybe they donate to the local church. Maybe they paid for a new roof on the Senior Center. Whatever. They are still using money gained through unsavory means to do good works. I am NOT comparing Armstrong to a criminal. Let's be clear about that. There is a psychological term for what ever it is that escapes me.

Now all the haters will come out of the woodwork. All the ones that "knew all along" that he was doping. Like the French media. That's all we need. At least they will have a reason to smug.

Then there is Greg LeMond. I was a big fan of his back in the day. Over the last few years he has been one of the few Americans in the cycling community that was been willing to speak out against Lance.

"Willing" is the wrong word. In fact he went out of his way. The problem is that it made him look like a combination of a stalker and one of those cranks that call talk radio at three in the morning. I guess if you are proven right then you aren't paranoid after all.

LeMond had a number of business dealings with companies that were affiliated with Armstrong that went away when he started speaking out against Armstrong. Does he have a lawsuit? I'm sure an army of lawyers will say he does.

As for me I was in the "I want to believe" group for a long time. I was the Fox Mulder of cycling fans. "Was" being the operative word. I won't say exactly when I lost my faith. Faith is a personal thing.

A Morrissey Kind of Day

If you follow me on Twitter you know that yesterday the girlfriend of a Manchester City fan was checking me out. I don't know for a fact that they were boyfriend/girlfriend but they were together. It may have been early in the relationship. It could even be their first date. I didn't bother to find out. I don't go after other people's girlfriends. Or boyfriends for that matter. I also don't cheat. Partly because it's bad karma, but  mostly because it's wrong.

Then there was the girl that I sort of liked. I say that because I don't know anything about her. Well, I do know one thing about her but I refuse to say what it is in case she is reading this. Yeah right! I don't even read this.

That is a recurring theme in my life--the one I want versus the one that wants me. It's a quandary. My problem is that I am a bit like Groucho Marx. He had no desire to join any club that would have him as a member. I have little desire for someone who desires me.

I attract crazy. Crazy is my demographic. Without crazy I would go crazy. I have always believed that it if you date a crazy person then you are crazier than the crazy person. Crazy, huh?

It's not that I liked her in that way --it's just that liked her. Period. Full stop. You know, in a friendly sort of way. I'm usually good about getting into the "friend zone." It's like the Mafia--once you're in you never get out. Then there is the Columbia Record and Tape Club but that's another story.

The thing is that she was giving me nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. To put it terms that we Arsenal supporters will understand--nil.

Maybe she didn't like my Queen T-shirt. Maybe she thought that I was a queen. Wouldn't be the first time someone thought that.

I Just Don't Get It

We all learned that Sally Ride was gay after she died. This bit of information was somewhere deep inside her obituary. However, a lot of people thought it should be the headline. Seriously. Is this what you wanted?

                                                 SALLY RIDE WAS GAY!?!
Now she's dead. Oh by the way, she was the first American woman is space. It's the gay part that's throwing us. Who knew?

I thought that a person's sexuality doesn't matter. Why all the fuss? When the world learned that Jim Parsons of The Big Bang Theory is gay it was from people who were complaining that this nugget was located nowhere the first paragraph. My answer is, "So?"

Why do we feel the need to know who others are having sex with? If we had learned that Jim had been married, to a woman, for ten years and they have two children I would have thought that he has done a good job so far of keeping his private life private and I would wonder why all of a sudden he felt the urge to start talking.

I guess I just hate the fact that people have to still be in the closet in the twenty-first century. I hate the fact that there seems to be double standard at work here. I guess that some things are beyond my comprehension.

NBC Fall Preview

Like a lot of people I've been watching the Olympics in between ads for the new NBC shows. I think that the Olympics will last longer than some of them. Or at least they should.

They have been in a bit of a funk since Friends went off the air. It's as if they lost their mojo. Other than 30 Rock, Saturday Night Live and Sunday Night Football I really don't watch NBC.

I can hear you say, "What about Community?" My answer is, "Exactly my point sir/ma'am. What about Community?" That is a case where NBC has a show that could be their Big Bang Theory but they treat it worse than CBS does Rules of Engagement. Serously. How did that show get on the air in the first place?

One of the new shows on NBC is Revoultion. normally this would be a no brainer for me since I am a big JJ Abrams fan. However it is on NBC. That scares me. Anyone remember Undercovers?

Usually JJ Abrams+spies=awesome but I forgot to divide by NBC. A show like that has two choices; it's either about spies who happen to be married or it's about a married couple who happen to be spies. That was a case of a show that had no idea what it was.

If it weren't for JJ Abrams name being attached then it probably would have been on USA where it might have had a chance. However, USA has the far superior Covert Affairs which is sort of Alias-Milo Rambaldi.

While I'm at it, do we really need yet another post-apocalyptic show on TV? I liked Jericho. No, I didn't send CBS a sack of peanuts when they cancelled it.

The thing is that even the best of these shows is a bit formulaic. It always comes down to good guys versus bad guys. Some of the good guys aren't so good and some of the bad guys aren't so bad. Sometimes.

Then there is the inevitable group of stereotypical Rednecks who have the weapons and/or medicine. At least Falling Skies got this hackneyed plot point out of the way in the first episode. One could argue that on The Walking Dead they are all Rednecks. I'm from the South. Some necks are redder than others.

Then there is Go On. I like Matthew Perry. I liked Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Yep, that was me. When I heard that he was going to have a new show I was a bit worried. It was as if some NBC exec said, "If Matt LeBlanc can win a Golden Globe for playing himself then Mathew Perry can win an Emmy for just about anything."

I watched Go On the other night. I liked it. Mostly. Perry plays a sports radio talk show host whose wife died and management makes him go to group therapy.

The therapy sessions are the strong part of the show. It's so easy to make the members into stereotypes because we've seen it all before on The Bob Newhart Show and Dear John and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. So far they have avoided it but it was only the first episode.

The weak part seems to be the sports talk bit. Terrell Owens was in the pilot and he did a good job but if they are depending on sports stars to be actors and/or drive the ratings then they are in serious trouble.

Sesame Street

 




When I was a kid there was the bit or sketch or whatever about this kid Muppet named Charlie who gets lost in the city so he asks a cop for help. He doesn't recognize the cop as his Uncle Louie until he starts taking of his clothes. Creepy right?

So anyway, we've all known people like that. Hopefully not creepy uncles, but rather people we didn't recognize with their clothes on. I can think of a lot of "celebrities" who fall into that category.                                                                                                                                                 

Waiting

This guy on the Stamps.com commercial says that there is nothing worse than waiting in line at the Post Office. Really? I'm sure that a shotgun blast to the groinocological region is no day at the park.

I was being a bit hyperbolic there but he started it. I know that I'd rather wait at the Post Office than the DMV or the doctors office. Or pretty much any where else for that matter.

Senior citizens discount day. The person in front of you is paying in exact change and by exact change I mean a sackful of nickels.

Being behind someone at the supermarket who wants to argue because, according to them, Walmart allows you to pay for Amp energy drinks with food stamps, "All the time!"

You pick a register because the only other guy in line only has a bag of Funyons only to find out he is going to buy a pack of cigarettes but the cigarettes are at the register at the opposite end of the store and there is a long line.

Of course this requires the non smoker who is working the register to schlepp across the store only to return with a hard pack which is not what he wants. The next time they aren't "100s." The time after that they aren't ultra lights. And so on and so on ad infinitum.

You find find a DVD for five bucks and you proceed to self check out because it's the only thing you are buying and then a message pops up telling you to show your ID to the clerk but they are busy trying to show someone how to operate the self check out.

You go into some "fast" food place and you are the only one in line and no one seems to care. Over by the fryer is a pregnant teen who has two middle-aged women fawning over her. After what seems like forever a non-pregnant teen comes over to take your order. As she passes the other three one of the middle-aged women says to her, "When are you going to have a baby?" She replies, "I'm way to young to have a baby."

You go see a film with proper grown up actors like Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, or Ryan Reynolds and as you are waiting for the cleaning crew to finish up you find yourself surrounded by a boatload of tweens who are there to watch yet another Twilight movie. Then you notice that your neighbors daughter is sticking her tongue down the throat of some dude in a Marilyn Manson t-shirt. As you are trying to delete that particular image from your mind-brain it dawns on you that you went to high school with that dude. In the 1980s.

Waiting for this blog to end.

You had to be there

Everyone has a story. I hope so anyway. If you don't then you are seriously doing something wrong. In fact you may be doing nothing at all. Get out there and do something! I'll wait.

I have a couple of stories. Sort of. My friend has a few that he likes to tell. You know when someone refers to a novel as "unfilmable" and yet they make a movie anyway? Sometimes it works, sometime it doesn't. Well, this story is untellable. You really had to be there. There is a visual quality to the story that can't be put in words.

I could, but I won't.

Then there is the other story my friend likes to tell. The truth is that it's not really a story at all. It's a sentence, A short one. If I told you the sentence you would say, "That's it?! That's the story?!" I would shrug and say, "Yep."

The thing is that it really is a common occurrence. Or at least I thought it was. My friend recently moved halfway across the country and he told the sentence to some of his coworkers who did not believe him. Seriously. I was shocked. Shocked!

I was like if this hasn't happened to you at least once in your life then you really aren't trying. I guess Midwestern life is even more boring that I had thought.

The Bicycle Diaries: Hills

I had to embrace the the idea of climbing hills if I was going to get anywhere. I was either that of move to Kansas. I already live in Smallville, but that's another story.

I remember the first time that I went on a "long ride" and by "long ride" I mean somewhere past the library. I only made it to the county line and it was that one hill that almost killed me. Almost.

I was already going uphill, slightly, then right before the line is a short steep hill. It's not the Tourmalet but it might as well have been.

I decided then and there that it wasn't going to beat me. After a week or so of recovery I tried it again and once I made it over the top I kept going. Yay me!

I didn't try to sprint up the hill. I wasn't trying to show that particular patch of Earth who's boss. I still don't do that today. I don't want to burn myself out. But now that I am writing this part of me want to go out and do just that. If I'm dead at the end of the week you know what killed me.

I only go so far north because it goes downhill again and I would never ever be able to make it back home. That is assuming that I ever make it there in the first place. There are a lot of curves. Those are fun--in a car. On a bike it would be suicide.

It would be one thing if the road was closed or sparsely traveled but it's not. I cannot apex the curves like I need to--I have to hug the white line. (Insert your own cocaine joke here.)

However, there are a lot of those "Share the Road" signs along the way. But, much like "Speed Limit" and "Stop" signs people only see them as suggestion. That is when they aren't completely ignoring then.

Did I mention that this road is fun in a car? Well, I'm not the only person who thinks so and I really don't want to go through the windshield of a Mustang GT.

So, as I near the summit, I take some less travelled roads. Unfortunately there has been a lot of logging going on recently and I don't want to end up on the radiator of a Freightliner. That's too bad really since there is one road with a covered bridge that I really like .

Then there is this other road I like to call "the Roller Coaster." It goes slightly uphill for a bit then it's mostly downhill. It's a bit less than a mile. I guess. I don't have a GPS or a power meter or any of that stuff on my bike. If I could afford those things then I could afford a better bike. Besides, a power meter on my bike would be like an altimeter on a paper airplane--useless.

Along the way there are two small rises and if have enough speed I can make it over both without having to pedal. I may not be Bradley Wiggins but my aero tuck is pretty good.

If you watch the Tour de France you often see riders descend while sitting on the top tube. When they do this Phil Liggett will say, "Don't try this at home." I tried it once. Once. For about half a second. It was at that point that I realized why AG2R La Mondiale wear brown shorts.

The Bicycle Diaries: Intervals Schmintervals

They say that intervals are a great way to lose weight and get into shape. Seriously? I'm sure it works but I haven't seen any results. Then again they have to be "structured." That's the problem I am having.

I like in the North Georgia Mountains. The key word there is "mountains." There are no flat surfaces anywhere, not even in a parking lot. That would be really attractive; going back and forth across a parking lot, fast then slow. It reminds me too much of "suicides" in PE. I hated those. PE teachers are sadists.

There is one part of my "long' ride where I sometimes try intervals. It's on the way back since it's mostly downhill. That's the key to my ride--I go uphill away from home and downhill coming back. If I went the other way I would make two revolutions of the pedals and the next thing you know I am somewhere in northern Fulton County trying to get a lift back home since there is no way in the world that I could ever make it back up. A man has got to know his limitations.

On days that I don't go for a long ride I end up doing intervals whether I want to or not. However they aren't very structured. They are completely random and happen when I don't want them or need them.

The first kind is when I am approaching an intersection. Either someone wants to pull out into the highway or wants to turn into their driveway or some combination of things.

So of course I speed up. I don't want to be that guy. Besides, I get yelled at enough as it is. People are jerks. But that's another story.

Another interval is of the canine variety. And you wonder why I like cats. These aren't always random since I know where most of the dogs live. Usually on a hill.

There is a house that I have passed every day since it was built sometime in the 80s. I have never once seen a dog there in all this time. Then, a few months ago, one just appeared almost out of thin air. A big one.

Fortunately it's one of the few flat spots in the area and I just made like Mark Cavendish sprinting for the finish line. Unfortunately the finish line is an intersection about eighty yards away.

One of the myriad of problems I have is that is dogs are faster than me. Well, to be specific, faster than my bike. It doesn't take long for me to run out of gears. That's the thing about mountain bikes--they are fine in the mountains. Anywhere else it's like showing up for the Indy 500 with a tractor.

And as I ride off to my certain doom the nice lady who owns the dog said, "Sorry!" At least I got that going for me.

The Bicycle Diaries: Weight Loss

As much as I ride you'd think that I would lose weight. I did. Up to a point. Then I reached terminal velocity, or whatever it's called. The same old same old wasn't working anymore.

The problem is that if you don't eat, you die. When you you ride a bike you need to eat carbs to keep from bonking. I've done that. It isn't fun.

All the magazines and ads for nutritional products tell you to consume a certain amount of protein after a ride to help build muscle. So basically I'm eating, riding, eating again. They also say that eating about six small meals throughout the day helps to keep your metabolism going. Didn't work for me.

Then there are the high protein diets. Tried that too. I gained fifteen pounds of muscle and lost zero pounds of fat. That certainly didn't help matters any. It was just another fifteen pounds that I had to drag up hills.

Finally I just went back to three meals a day and a small snack while watching TV at night. It worked. I have lost ten of the fifteen that I gained and it's all been fat. Yay me! However, I am sure that I'll reach terminal velocity once again and I'll have to try something else. That's the way it goes.

Lint

I'm going a bit stir crazy. It's sock wash day and as I was cleaning out the lint trap I started to wonder exactly how much lint was trapped. I was wondering about things like weight and volume. It seems like quite a bit. It's a wonder that I have any socks at all considering the amount I removed.

My second thought was not that I'm going nuts but why haven't I thought about this before? It's that kind of day. Boredom is a silent killer.

I Am A Target Market

I recently ordered some stuff online and inside the package were some coupons. That's nice. One was for 250 free business cards. Really? What I need are "none of your business" cards. Those would be fun to hand out at gatherings, parties, funerals, etc.

Another one was a $100 wine voucher. I don't drink that much wine. I haven't consumed that much wine in my lifetime and I live in a region where the most popular wines are Mad Dog 20/20 and Boone's Farm.

In the 80s this would've come in handy if it were for wine coolers because I might have actually had a date. Or at least a one night stand. Or an encounter behind a convenience store. Hopefully with a woman.

The real punch line that it's illegal to order wine online in Georgia. Or at least it was, I haven't kept up. However, it is still legal to whine online. That's another story.

The third and final coupon was for plus size women's clothing. How do they know about that? I thought I removed those pictures.

What really gets me is the term "plus size." What is plus size anyway? Anything over size 0? Zero is defined as a neutral or starting point. If that is the case I have met a few 00s in my life. However I don't think they were part of the British Secret Service. It's far more likely that they were agents of SPECTRE.

What makes things even more confusing is the picture of the model on the coupon. I wouldn't consider her plus size at all. That is unless you count tall as plus size. I like tall women. I'm sure that it is a Freudian thing--everything else is.

TV Relationships

The First Date.

Don't you hate it when a TV show has an amazing pilot but when it goes to series it looks completely different? The show Vanished  is a perfect example. The show was set in Atlanta and that is where the pilot was shot. Starting with episode 2 it was shot in Los Angeles, which is not Atlanta. However Drop Dead Diva is filmed in Peachtree City but set in L.A. so I guess we are even.

The point is that so many series are not shot in the city where they are set. We are grown-ups, we are used to being lied to. I know that Doctor Who is filmed in a Welsh quarry. No biggie. It's just that if a series is set in New York City but shot in Toronto don't pull the old bait and switch on us.

When you film a few scenes each year in NYC and insert them into an episode in only makes the Toronto stuff seem even less real. It stands out like a sore thumb.

It's not only locations but budget as well. If you drop millions on the pilot and hire a big time film director to shoot the thing then it's going to look cinematic. If you don't give the series a large enough budget then it is going to look like your kids got an old VHS camera at the pawn shop.

The Walking Dead is a perfect example of how to get it right. Big budget pilot--brilliantly written series. It really isn't a show about zombies. Spoiler! It's about humans. They give us a few "walker" kills per episode to keep those fans who like that stuff happy.

This one is for the ladies: Think about it this way; you have a first date with a guy that everyone says is great. He picks you up in a brand new Mercedes-Benz. He is wearing a handmade Saville Row suit. He takes you to dinner at a restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck. He orders champagne. He goes all out to impress you.

You decide to go out on a second date. This time he pulls up in an used Buick LeSabre. He is wearing a polo shirt and khakis. For dinner you go to Cheesecake Factory. Other than that he is the exact same charming guy.

You begin to wonder what the deal is with him. Every now and then he wears a suit, but only on special occasions. It's from Men's Wearhouse.

Should you stick with him? He is a nice guy after all. Your friends love him. You just can't help but worry that one day he is going to arrive in a Kia and he's got on a Hawaiian shirt, freshly ironed jeans and tasseled loafers.

Mad Men "The Phantom"

Or "Diamonds are forever, pools are permanent."

Don had a toothache. I'm sure that it's a metaphor for something but I missed film theory that day.

Pete had an awkward train ride. Being wistful doesn't suit him.

Don's visions of Adam weren't the only echoes of season one.

"Sexy for pocket change." I think I know her. "Two for one, twice the fun." Sounds like Roger and the twins. That sounds kind of dirty.

I didn't know that Trudy has a sister named Judy. Of course she does. She comes from that kind of family.

"One hundred and twenty-five words and fifteen of them have to be Ajax." I think I had that assignment in high school. "You're a woman and you smoke. What do you want?" Worst. Pickup line. Ever.

I loved it when Pete bailed out of the meeting and told Don that he could have his proxy. What was even better was Don's response, "We can do that?" If he had only knew that a few months ago. That pretty much sums up their relationship.

Beth is having shock treatment. Can't blame her really. After having an affair with Pete it's a wonder that she isn't in Belvue. Or Arkham. And then she forgot.

So, every time that Beth has an affair Howard just retcons her mind-brain? I wonder how many times this has happened. I can give him the number a Haitian guy. He makes house calls.

"Why does everybody want redheads?" If you have to ask.

Which was funnier; Roger trying to do a French accent of Marie telling him to lower his expectations? I can believe that Roger actually wants to drop acid again. It didn't exactly work out for him the last time financially. Maybe he should go after the widow Pryce. She just came into a bit of cash.

Lane really didn't think the suicide thing through at all. You are supposed to get rid of the incriminating evidence. That's the first rule.

We thought that Sally had a complicated relationship with her mother but at least Betty isn't a pseudo intellectual like Marie. People like Megan's parents get on my nerves. When Marie said that Megan had an artistic temperament but wasn't an artist I thought that she was talking about me for a minute there. And that bit about being nicer to strangers. We've all known people like that.

Is Megan becoming Betty 2.0 even more than we thought?

"Breathe through your nose." I bet Don has said that more than once.

Don and Peggy together again. I miss them. I guess now he is seeing her more as an equal. Peggy is right about Richmond.

Pete really had to quit fighting. At this point I think it would be healthier to take up smoking. However, Trudy did cave on the apartment. A bit too late for Beth but you never know who else is out there.

When Don was watching Megan's reel did anyone else think about "The Wheel"?

"You Only Live Twice" For a minute there I thought it was "Millennium." Not really, but the lyrics work just as well.

So, Megan got the part in the Butler Shoes ad but she kind of sort of had to screw over Emily to do it. That's not good, right? Everybody lies.

Peggy looks out the window and sees two dogs procreating. I'm sure it's another metaphor and I never metaphor I didn't like. I thought about the old joke and if you don't know it that's okay because you're not missing anything.

Charlie Hunnam's ass. That's all I'm saying.

And then it ends with Don in a bar and a girl telling him, "My friend over there wants to know, are you alone?" Wow. That's a loaded question.

So, what happens next? I hope we don't have to wait another seventeen months to find out.

Oh, by the way, Greg is still alive.

Former Jobs part 3

Before work I would hang out in the break room for a bit. I was usually the second one there. There was this guy who was a bit like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused that was always there first. I was beginning to think that he slept under the table.

When we first met he said that he worked in the stockroom as well. I never saw him once. The only place I saw him was in the break room in the mornings. Well, that's not entirely true. I did see him at the mall once. I guess he worked upstairs. What they did up there I don't know. I went up the a few times to retrieve stuff that had been put on layaway. I didn't see anyone else. Creepy.

Then there was the cleaning crew that was there way before anyone else. One member was this very pretty young woman that I shall refer to as "Louise." One morning she came into the break room to clean and she was wearing a Judas Priest "Turbo Lover" t-shirt. I was never a huge Priest fan but that was one of the songs that I liked.

For some reason "David Wooderson" felt like this was the day to share with me his sexual fantasies about "Louise." While she was in the room. I didn't know that Judas Priest t-shirts were an aphrodisiac. However, she did move up a level in my my mind as well.

Maybe it was a Nina Blackwood fetish or something I don't really know. I was always more of a Martha Quinn guy but at that moment started questioning myself and I don't think that I have ever stopped.

Let me take a moment to say that I was a bit offended by what "Wooderson" had to say. It's not that I thought that he shouldn't say it because it was offensive, but rather because he was dating "Christina." This was not the last time I would ever meet a guy like him.

The Bicycle Diaries

8-14-06
I actually lost another pound. Yay me! You can't tell really. I still haven't noticed the other five I have lost this year. I am able to wear some of my old clothes, so that's something I guess.

I really enjoy riding my bike. However, I do wish that I had a real one. Lugging my fat ass around on that old, heavy thing is hard work but it has it's benefits. The pound I lost being the only that I can think of.

With a lighter bike I could travel further. Not that I have anywhere to go. Way too many hills. Not enough energy.

3-21-07
It's been a nice day today. I finally went for a ride. I took the short route and I'm glad I did. It's not that I'm out of shape because round is a shape. I just haven't used those muscles that way in a while.

I had forgotten how much I miss it. I wasn't gone for long but it was nice. It's good to occasionally think about nothing but what you are doing. I don't get to do much so I enjoy it while I can. It's very peaceful. Except for the yappy dogs. I can't stand them.

4-10-07
I tried, unintentionally, to kill myself today. I rode my bike to the store and back. Getting there wasn't so bad. That surprised me a bit. Coming back was a pain but I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. It's a lot more uphill than one might think. One of the problems was that the temperature was about 50 degrees.

When I got back home I was struggling for breath. My muscles weren't sore but they probably will be tomorrow. Still, I did it in about twenty minutes and that's not bad considering I had to stand in line for a bit. That and I had to stop on the way back to catch my breath and drink some Vault. Red Blitz is pretty tasty, plus its only ninety-nine cents. What a bargain!

Mad Men "Commissions and Taxes"

Or "Good Don, Bad Don."

"She lets me eat what I want!" That's a statement that launched a thousand eating disorders.

See, I was right all along. This season is all about parents and stuff.

Glen is one suave mother kisser. A museum makes a great first date. Maybe not the Museum of Natural History, but it's a lesson learned. You can just hear him saying, "Would you like to come up and see my taxidermy collection?"

After Betty's talk with Sally about womanhood I really hope that we aren't heading for a knocked up Sally.

Don dropped the napalm on Dow. Metaphorically. That's the Don we haven't seen a lot of this season. Well, except when he left Ginsberg's artwork in the cab.

You just knew that Lane wasn't going to get away with it. He's not as clever as he thinks. Or thought. Then he goes and gets all Peggy on Don. That wasn't pretty. Or maybe he was a bit more Pete.

Don told him, "The next thing will be better because it always is." I guess that Megan is a perfect example. Even when things don't work out for Don they always seem to work out for Don. Don't you just hate people like that?

Lane had a date with destiny and she just bought a Jaguar. That's how it usually works out.

First of all, that's not how you commit suicide by Jag. Bert was right about them all along. A few weeks ago someone else on the Internet referred to to it as an "E Class." It's an "E type." E Class is Mercedes-Benz. If it was an E Class it would've started. I'm just saying.

In the end, committing suicide in the office is a message and a not too subtle one at that.

I'm sure that Don still feels a tiny bit of guilt about Adam. Maybe. You can never tell what is going on in his head. I wonder if he told Megan about him. I doubt it.

Last season Don more or less committed career suicide with the letter. Now that Lane has committed actual suicide where does that leave the firm? Stirling Cooper Draper Campbell? Imagine how obnoxious Pete would be then. How is Don going to pull this one out of the fire? He does have a way of turning things around.

Former Jobs part 2

Actually, some of the people in accounting were okay. There was one woman who always picked me to go with her on spot checks. Each day they would choose three registers at random and clear them out to see if everything adds up. I liked doing that because I really didn't have to do anything. And it got me out of the dungeon so to speak.

The accountant would have to be accompanied by someone from the stockroom--it was company policy. However, when they went to remove the money from the bubble gum machines they needed a member of management. No wonder they were in so much financial trouble a few years back.

There was one woman that worked there I kind of liked. Let's call her "Christina" if for no other reason than that was not her name. Of course she had no idea that I even existed. That's basically the story of my life.

However, when I stared thinking about her the other day I realized that she may have made an impression on me. In a way. It's not that I have a "type" it's just that I am usually attracted to women that look like her. The thing is that I had totally forgotten about "Christina" until I came up with the idea for this topic. Okay, that was lame.

There was another woman who's name I cannot remember so I don't really want to give her a pseudonym because I might subconsciously stumble upon it. So let's call her "Reginald." "Reginald" is a perfect case study because for the most part no matter where you work someone is having an affair. It may be with a coworker but more than often it's a person of authority. This lucky/unlucky fellow was the latter. I heard much later that his wife left him.

Take this as a life lesson kids; be careful who you trust at work because they might be having an affair with the boss while they are screwing you over. That never happened to me. Not at that job anyway.

Mad Men "The Other Woman"

Or "SCDP: the P stands for Pimp."

Herb? Seriously?! He was such a cliche and Mad Men  usually avoids them.

Pete wants an apartment. I hope it's not in Howard's building, that would be awkward. I guess he wants everything that Howard has. We've all known people like that.

Some people say that Pete and Trudy deserve each other. No one deserves either of them.

"I was going to watch Carson and cry myself to sleep." That was me in high school but instead of Johnny Carson it was Alan Thicke.

"You should be thanking me." That should be on Pete's family crest. Or his tombstone. Your choice.

I guess that Don wants Megan to be successful but only on his terms. That's not good.

I cannot believe that Peggy left. She should get five percent for having sex with Pete. "You really have no idea when things are good, do you?"

Former Jobs

Right after high school I got a job at a discount store. I won't say which one, but it wasn't Target. I like Target. So that narrows it down a bit.

I wanted to work in the stockroom so that I didn't have to deal with people. It's not that I don't like people, I just don't like having to deal with them.

One of my duties was to open boxes as they were being unloaded. On Thursdays we would have at least one trailer. This seems like a fairly easy task, and for most people it was. This is because they had standard box cutters. I wasn't allowed to have one for some reason. I thought it was a newbie hazing ritual at first but I really think that someone didn't like me. They didn't but that is another story.

I was issued a "safety cutter." It wasn't for my safety as much as it was for the boxes. That stupid device wouldn't cut hot butter.

Amongst my daily duties was delivering the mail. It was simple and for the most part it was very straightforward. The exception being the accounting department.

Accounting was this glass encased room that was a bit like an aquarium but without the water. Then again it was also like a hamster cage without the wheel. However, I do think they had wood chips on the floor but I don't know for certain because I was never allowed in.

The first day I tried to get in but the door was locked. I did what any normal person would do and knock. I was totally ignored. So I took one step to the left and held up the mail for all to see. They all took turns looking at each other as if to say, "What do we do?" This went on for a while.

I was getting fairly exasperated so I said, "Do you want me to leave it outside the door?" They did the confused look thing again. Finally a voice from the back said, "You can't do that!" "Well then, what do want me to do? I'm not going to stand out here all day," I replied

Finally someone opened the door and took the mail. It was like that pretty much every day that I worked there. Someone later told me that they were extra skittish because a band of gypsies had stolen the safe. I was like, "They let a band of gypsies in to steal a safe but they won't let me deliver the mail?! That explains a lot."

Mad Men "Christmas Waltz"

Or "Lane Pryce: Master Forger" A Quinn Martin Production.

Lane is in a spot of bother. He owes $8,000 to Inland Revenue and had to stroke a check to get out of debt. Too bad he had to forge Don's name. I thought it rather odd that everyone wanted to wait to hand out the bonuses. Who doesn't want money? As it turns out it was a good idea since Mohawk went on strike. Now Lane is really screwed. I guess next week he'll confess to Joan.

That was nice of Don to get Joan out the office after she had been served divorce papers. I really liked seeing the two of them together but not as a couple. They never would've worked out anyway. They would be far too combustible. It would be great while it lasted. We've all been there.

The cat is back. Sort of. It seems Jaguar is back in play. Poor Edwin. Don looked a bit like 007 behind the wheel of the E type. "They're lemons. They never start." That's so Bert.

Pete's pissed off and can't get no satisfaction. Nothing new there.

Don was a bit too harsh to Megan. "Nobody's made a stronger statement against advertising than you." Ouch. Then when Don came home drunk I had flashbacks to The Odd Couple, American Beauty, 1941, and my childhood, except that my mother never threw food against the wall. Sometimes I wish she had. But only if it was green beans.

So Paul Kinsey has hooked up with the Hare Krishnas. I didn't see that one coming. I really should have, all the signs were there. Then he wrote a spec script for Star Trek. I swear that "The Negron Complex" was an actual episode. I shouldn't say that, I actually like Star Trek. I hope I didn't upset all the Star Wars  fans out there. How about this? "The Negron Complex" was the worst idea since Greedo shot first. Okay, I guess technically it's before but you get the point.

When Harry met Lakshmi; admit it, you've been waiting on that one. "I did this for the movement." No wonder she wanted it from behind. I didn't just go there did I? Now you know why I don't tweet during the episode.

Random Thoughts About Porn

This is an extended dance remix of an unreleased track from 2005

The other night on Veronica Mars  She was snooping around the school bully's house because he was the one thought to be sending bomb threats to Neptune High. An agent of the ATF had told Veronica that the bully, Norris, had a crush on her. Anyway, she finds a copy of Tight Petite Blondes or something like that and says, "I am so his type."

I said all that to say this; Do we buy porn that represents the type of women we like or is the type of women we like influenced by porn? I would say that I'm the former--it's more efficient that way. How many women out there look like the ones in Playboy? If that's your type you could drive yourself crazy trying to find someone that looks like that. I don't have anything against Playboy. It's like Banky said in Chasing Amy, "Sometimes I like 'em arty and air brushed."

Growing up in the 70s, if you were lucky, someones dad had a stash of Playboy in the attic. If you wanted the "good stuff" you had to visit an uncle. Uncles are good like that. So are brothers-in-law.

They almost always have the more explicit, if not hardcore, magazines. The girls weren't as pretty as the one in Playboy but that wasn't the point. The point was that you learned a whole lot more than you ever would in Sex Ed. The downside is that you knew even less about women. The only thing less likely than dating a Playboy model in real life was finding a woman who would do the stuff you saw in the hardcore magazines.

To make matters worse, the 1980s saw the rise of the VCR. It meant that you didn't have to go to some sleazy theater to watch an X rated film. You could do it in the privacy of your own home.

You can't be a child of the 70s and not know about Deep Throat.  When you learn about Watergate in high school look carefully at the teacher when he or she says, "Deep Throat." You can tell if they have seen the movie or not.

That's another thing that messes us up. We hear about Deep Throat,  Behind the Green Door, Debbie Does Dallas, The Devil in Miss Jones, and other X rated classics and the way they are described one would think that they are better than Star Wars. 

Before you become an adult porn is like alcohol--forbidden yet desirable. Also, you have to take what you can get. When you are old enough you can buy what you want. By then you should've developed your palate. However, you also develop a tolerance.

The Internet gives you far more choices than the local convenience store. The net  may be the best thing to have happened to the porn industry but it isn't always a good thing for humans.

You can drive yourself crazy on the Internet. You're always looking for more, more, more. Bigger breasts, bigger butts, bigger women, bigger penises, women with penises, bigger women with bigger penises. Whatever you desire you can find it. It's just that you always feel like the next website has something a bit better. It's gotten to the point where we make compromises on who we date and/or marry but we won't compromise on our porn.

Mad Men "Dark Shadows"

Grapefruit and burnt toast--the breakfast of champions. Maybe Betty should try the Electrocizer or the Rejuvenator or whatever the hell that thing was called.

Peggy is buried in Heinz. Did anyone else think about Ann-Margret?

At least Sally's family tree has forks. Maybe too many forks. Mine has sporks. Spork--The other plastic utensil. See, I'm at least as good as Ginsberg.

Sally was more than a bit mean. Then again Betty did set her up. Hopefully she understood that part when Don and Megan were arguing. I've always wondered who is the bigger child, Sally or Betty? Betty had a massive backfire. It really pissed her off to learn that Megan knew all about Anna.

Betty catches a glimpse of Megan and hits the Reddi-Wip. She wasn't doing it right.

Don's trying to be creative again. At least it worked out for him. I felt a bit bad for Ginsberg but Don was right about having two ideas. It is good to have a backup though. I guess that Roger isn't the only one trying to prove that he's still got it.

"I can't eat fish five times a week." Not. Going. There. I thought what Betty said about being there for each other was kind of sweet. Not as sweet as Don and Megan's note to each other, but sweet none the less. In fact it was so nice that Betty got to have a piece of meat. She was a very good girl and got a reward. "If you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

Sally needs colored pencils and Bobby needs a Trapper Keeper but they won't be around for about another twelve years. Mine was green and had a snap.

Betty shops at A&P--home of the world's smallest turkey.

Someone should've warned Ginsberg not to go after Don. How's that worked out for anyone else? When he told Ginsberg, " I don't think about you at all," That was some old school Don. That sounded like something he would say to Pete.

Pete's having fantasies. When I have fantasies double-sided tape isn't involved. Then again I don't have basic cable fantasies.

Betty has everything she wants and no one has anything better. Really!? Whatever gets you through the saddest Thanksgiving dinner ever. That make Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving dinner look like a Roman orgy.

Mad Men "Lazarus Lady"

Or "It's a dessert topping. It's a floor wax."

Pete and Harold--strangers on a train. Except that they're really not strangers. But they are on a train. For a minute there I thought that it was going to get all  Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice  but Trudy would never go for that. Why is my go to always wife swapping and key parties? I grew up in the 1970s. It's not an excuse, just an explanation.

Pete got skis. Why do I derive so much pleasure from watching Pete carry objects? Maybe it's the prideful look he always has when he gets something new. "There, I got to see that."

Was Harry's line about making a new Beatles a shot at the Monkees? Shame on him.

I wonder if Danny's Hideaway is anything like Johnny's Hideaway. Or should I say "Johnny's Takeaway"? I don't know if it's still around or not. It was a cougar bar before anyone invented the term "cougar."

For a d-bag Pete gets a lot of women. Maybe guys should stop trying to be like Don and be more like Pete.

Megan wants to be an actress. At least she doesn't want to be a lumberjack. She is Canadian after all.

Peggy is right about Megan being good at copy writing. We don't know if she is any good at acting. I'm sure we'll find out. She'll probably suck. Then Don will try to talk her into coming back to SCDP and she'll be upset and cry and I don't want that.

Stan--I can never remember his name.

Megan got the elevator. Don got the shaft. You gotta love visual symbolism. Maybe Megan is going somewhere after all.

Peggy was also right about a lot of people wanting Megan's job. I wouldn't mind having it, I just don't want to work with any of those people on The Pitch. They're annoying as hell and I've only see the commercials. They're too hyped up and not in a good way like Ginsberg. Did he get into the Mountain Dew and vodka or what? I like him more each week.

Now I guess we know why Don and Peggy never hooked up. It was kind of funny watching them argue.

Don listening to the Beatles was so wrong. It's like your mom on Facebook. There is a real generational divide between him and Megan. He's not even an Elvis man. He seems like one of those rare people who aren't into music at all.

What would he have heard growing up? He's a year younger than my mom, which is scary. She listened to Hank Williams, the Carter Family and a lot of Bluegrass. In fact I inherited my love of Johnny Cash from her. I guess my mom is pretty cool after all.

Funny Women

I think part of the controversy surrounding the HBO series Girls is because some idiots out there still think that women cannot be funny. Nothing can be farther from the truth.

Some men are okay with the idea of a female President. A lot of men don't mind having a female boss. There are those that didn't mind when women started getting tattoos and smoking cigars. However, they'll be damned if a woman is going to be funnier than them. That and become a member of Augusta National, but that's another story.

Part of it comes down to male insecurity. Comedy is one of the few things they try to keep for themselves.
I'm the first to admit that I have insecurities but I'm not going to get into them. Comedy isn't one of them though. I don't see myself as funny--just honest. Having said that I can hold my own against most non-professionals.

I don't have to be the funniest guy in the room. I don't see comedy as a competition. All  my life I have heard that women are looking for a man with a sense of humor. Okay, I actually read that in Playboy but that's another story for another day. I don't think it's always true. Sometimes I am serious around women but that doesn't work for me either.

I also don't have to be the funny one in a relationship. By relationship I mean friendship. With my friends I can play the Bud Abbott part--I set the joke up for my friends. I would say that I can be the straight man but we all know better don't we? I'm like the David Beckham of comedy. Did I mention that I am an excellent wing man? I'm available for parties and corporate events.

In my relationships with women, also just friends, I can do that as well but I guess that you would call that the George Burns part. Is that a bit sexist? I can never be sure.

Do men and women have different senses of humor? Maybe, but there probably some overlap. Someone needs to do a Venn diagram. Go ahead, I'll wait. I've heard that women don't like the Three Stooges but my mother loves them. That explains a lot.

I think there is a difference in the way men and women deliver comedy. If a man thinks he is funny he tends to be a joke machine, or should I say joke machine-gun? Especially around women.

A lot of women I know are more like snipers--they pick and choose their moments. You never see it coming and it makes a far bigger impact.

I do like a sense of humor. I think it can be a sign of intelligence. Did I mention that I also like smart women?

Some people say that if you can dance it means that you are good in bed. I don't know if that's true or not. Maybe it's a load of B.S. like the correlation between cherry stems and kissing. If you are a gymnast, male of female, it can make things more interesting.

I think that if you are smart and/or funny you are probably good in bed. However, if you got to bed with me you will be laughing for a completely different reason.

England National Team

Congratulations to Roy Hodgson on becoming the new England manager. You'll have to win every match and every tournament. Shouldn't be too hard. After all, England expects.

Everyone has been going on all day about how the FA should've hired Harry Redknapp. I agree. Then again I am an Arsenal supporter and I would like to see them be able to beat Spurs at least twice a season again.

I said the same thing a few years ago when then Bolton manager Sam Allardyce was the one the fans wanted. Then again what do I know, I'm a stupid American?

Noted football expert Dominic Monaghan told TMZ that America was about twenty years behind England as a footballing nation. Maybe, but at least we have our goalkeeping situation worked out. As I said to the England fans at Fado Irish Pub assembled to watch the World Cup 2010 match between USA and England, "Tim Howard may have Tourette's, but what's Robert Green's excuse?" This was in response to the constant chants of, "He's only got Tourette's!" In South Africa the English were singing, "You're not swimming anymore!" This lovely little ditty was in reference to the BP oil spill. Stay classy England.

Don't get me wrong, I actually do like England and the football team. I often support them when they aren't playing against the USA. Or Scotland. I like to joke as much as the next yobbo. Every country, and club for that matter has there share of crazy fans. That's fine. I know I am just as bad if not worse when Arsenal is winning and the way things are going England will win a trophy long before Arsenal.

Mad Men "At the Codfish Ball"

Or "Third floor; dishes, glassware, napalm." Because "Perils of Pauline" was too easy.

We haven't seen Glen in a while. That's okay with me because I always thought that he was a bit weird. I'm glad that Sally has a friend though. We can use all of them that we can get. She talks about feeling like Pauline's slave. It seems like some people have children exactly because slavery is illegal.

When Pauline tripped did anyone else think about Aunt Bunny?

We finally got to meet Megan's parents Emile and Marie. Nice couple. Nice couple of what I'm not so sure.

Don bought cognac. I wonder if it was Courvoisier. He is a ladies man after all.

Joan and Peggy are becoming the new Laverne and Shirley. I smell spinoff!

There has been a lot of stuff this year about parents. In this episode it was about parents disapproving of their children's actions: Abe and Peggy shacking up. Sally wearing makeup and gogo boots. Megan giving up on her dreams.

Sally lied about Pauline's fall and Don lied about what his kids had for dinner. Everybody lies. Wait, that's House.

Megan made a great save when she whispered in Don's ear, "Roll that beautiful bean footage." Or something like that.

Afterwards I thought we were going to see "Don's Magic Cab Ride 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf." You thought I was going to say, "Electric Boogaloo" didn't you? Hah!

Roger was extra creepy. A date with Sally. Seriously.

Pete made a guest appearance. After the chip and dip/rifle exchange this was my favorite Pete moment. Well, one where I actually approved of what he did.

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Not really. As Johnny Rotten famously said, "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" That was it? Seriously?! That was a bit like on Sons of Anarchy when they say, "This episode contains nudity," and it turns out to be Charlie Hunnam's ass. Again. Not that there is anything wrong with Charlie Hunnam's ass. It's a perfectly good ass. Dare I say great?

Ken's dad dropped a bomb on Don. I guess it's true about no one trusting him. Is he going to have to pull another stunt to win their trust back?

As it turns out I was wrong. The codfish ball was nothing like the ladybugs picnic.

Ever get the feeling that we watch Mad Men just for "On the next episode of AMC's Mad Men"?

Mad Men "Far Away Places"

Or "The Electric Orange Sherbet Acid Test." I'm going to admit it up front--I got nothing. Well, not much anyway. I've never been to a Howard Johnson's and even more shockingly I've never dropped acid. Glad I got that off my chest.

We pretty much knew where this was going when Peggy's boyfriend said, "I'm your boyfriend, not a focus group." She goes to the movies and watches Born Free. Yet another bit of symbolism or some other term from a film class I didn't take.

While in the theater she meets a guy and they share a joint. In more ways than one. This was Peggy's version of  "Don's Magic Cab Ride" except that it was more magic for the guy than for Peggy. As far as we know that is. There is only so much you can get away with on basic cable.

The conversation with Ginsberg was totally trippy. I think that was the point. We were supposed to think that she was high. I kind of wish I was. Either it would make me more creative or it would be an excuse. It would probably just make me even more paranoid.

Then there was Roger and Jane tripping balls. You just know that if he makes it to the 1970s he's going to end up at a key party. We don't really know if that was Timothy Leary or if It was Roger just being a wiseass. Again. He's like Mad Men's version of Sawyer sometimes.

It wouldn't surprise me if it was Leary. If you go to he biography section to my right it is fill with books written by people who were nobodies then they got a shitload of drugs and all of a sudden they were hanging out with famous people. Or at the very least infamous.

They make it seem so easy; nobody+drugs=famous friends, parties, and sex. All you want. I actually thought about trying it one time as an experiment. I was going to hire someone to be handler/procurer because I just knew that the first time I tried to buy drugs I would end up in jail and it would all be over before it even started.

I was going to try everything but heroin and meth, but then again we all say that. That was part of the point of the handler. He or she would also be a spirit guide if I took LSD and/or a dance partner if I wound up at a rave. Or a fancy dress ball. I don't always have to lead.

Timothy Leary said, "Tune in, turn on, drop out." Denis Leary said, "I'd like to talk to complete idiots about nothing for fifteen hours straight." Dawson Leery said, "Whatever happens, happens." Okay, actually the Denis Leary quote was about cocaine but the sentiment is still a valid one.

Roger took one hell of a trip and at the end he lost his wife. Oh my God! Country song!

It also seems that the honeymoon is over for Don and Megan, or as Bert called it, "Love leave." I really was never all that crazy about orange sherbet myself but I did like Push Ups. Go figure.

As we learned in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist the Beatles had it all figured out; "I Want to Hold Your Hand." That is all we really want.

Have you ever wanted to leave you significant other stranded in a parking lot? We all have at some point. Some of us actually did it. Not me, but I did think about it more than once.

I know how Don feels--I've been given the "do over" more than once in school. I hate the Red Pen of Disgust.

Now that Roger is back on the market no one is safe. Watch out Joanie. "It's going to be a beautiful day."

Random Micro-Fiction: Daydrinking

I'm drinking too much again. Actually, I should say too often. I don't do it to get drunk, I just like a little buzz. Everyone has to have a hobby , right?

I don't like drinking at home alone because nothing good ever comes of it. When I go out it's usually to places I don't go to very often. It's not that I don't want anyone to know, I just want to be left alone.

The theme of Cheers was "Where everybody knows your name," but I like to be anonymous sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I like being a regular. Sometimes. After all, membership has it's privileges.

One problem with going to an uncrowded bar in the afternoon is that you  often find yourself talking to the bartender or some waitress working her way through college. I don't want to be rude, I want to be alone.

Sometimes I go to a crowded bar and lose myself in the crowd. Sure it's loud but I think of it as one of those white noise machines people use to go to sleep.

There are only so many places to drink within walking distance of my building so I end up being a semi-regular by default. I have to figure out the staff schedule so I don't run into the same people too often. I may not want any of them to know who I am but I don't want them to think that I am a sad bastard even though I am getting there one draft beer at a time.

Then there's Starbucks. I know it's only coffee but I can go there and be anonymous and alone and in a crowd all at once. As soon as you get your beverage they just leave you alone and that's kind of the point really.

The used to be one about two blocks away but it closed. Who ever heard of an unsuccessful Starbucks? Fortunately there's another one three blocks down the road. The exercise does me good. It's in a Barnes and Noble which is also good.

Sometimes I'll go there and after getting my coffee I'll go into the men's room pour some Jim Beam from a flask into it. I usually do this with decaf because no one likes a hyperactive drunk. Then I'll buy a magazine or newspaper and sit outside. Drinking outside is fun. It makes me feel like I'm in Europe or somewhere. Anywhere but here.

The best is at Christmastime when they have the eggnog lattes. Very tasty. I shouldn't say that or encourage this kind of thing. In fact I don't recommend it at all. I'm just stating facts.

I really don't like drinking liquor but you can't mix coffee and beer can you? I think someone made a coffee flavored beer once but that went over like Crystal Pepsi but without all the fanfare. Or humiliation. Crystal Meth Pepsi on the other hand . . .

The real trick is getting back home. Did I mention that I have to cross Peachtree Road to get here? No? Great, now I'm forgetting stuff.

Anyway, after the journey back I lie down on the couch and turn the TV on. Usually Telemundo or Univision because I don't speak Spanish and and that way I won't be distracted by anything anyone says and I can just ignore it. Then when I open my eyes, if I'm lucky, in more ways than one, there will be some pretty woman on TV reading out the soccer scores. And that's what life's all about anyway.

Mad Men "Signal 30"

Or "They think it's all over . . . It is now."

As my reader pointed out I struggled a bit last week. This week there is too much going on. I'm not prone to hyperbole, so I won't call it the best episode ever, however it is way up there. 

Pete is taking Driver's Ed. I remember that. You're supposed to give horse and buggys the right of way, correct? It's not that I am old it's that the films we had were. I think they were by DW Griffith. Actually, I do remember one that showed cars hitting pumpkins. I think Gallagher was driving.

I absolutely hate those faucets with the handle instead of two knobs. I can never get the temperature right. I think it was invented by the same idiot that came up with "three on the tree." I couldn't work those either.

Ahh... Now to my favorite part, the 1966 World Cup. If you know nothing about football this is the defining moment in English sporting history. Notice that I didn't say "British" because they are two very different things. In fact the English still talk about it to this day. I know about this from first hand experience because I spent the last three World Cups in pubs full of loud Englishmen and women. I didn't know if I was going to make it out alive after the 2010 match between England and the USA. But that is another story for another time and besides, my reader already knows it. However, one question remains from 1966; Did Geoff Hurst really score? If I'm not here next week you know why.

Saturday night in the suburbs with the Campbells is not exactly my idea of fun. I guess it doesn't matter if you are from the city or the country the suburbs still suck.

"Time is speeding up." Really? Wait until you get to the DMV.

I remember cabinet stereos. No wood paneled 70s living room was complete without one.

Don's gone plaid. I hope this show ends before we get to the 70s or he'll look like Herb Tarlek.

Another favorite pastime of the British is talking about the war. It doesn't matter how old they are, if you give them a bit of alcohol the war will come up at some point.

Pete's gun came up again. When he exchanged the chip and dip for it in season one that was the only time I ever liked him. I would've done it too.

So it seems that Megan is turned on by plumbers. Josephine never did it for me. I am a pretty good plumber myself. I'm just saying. My uncle taught me everythig you need to know: Hot's on the left. Crap don't run uphill. Payday is Friday. If Pete had only bought a faucet with two knobs he wouldn't have had that problem. He always brings it on himself.

He got blocked by a guy that was called "Handsome." That was a bit over the top but very funny.

Bibs are not a good look but at least is covers up the plaid jacket.

"You're my king"? Seriously? That is Pete's Viagra? Boy he really is messed up. Then in the cab he has the nerve to get all high and mighty with Don. I guess Pete's point is that if you look like Don you should use it to get whomever you want. Don's response was interesting. It seems that he really does like Megan, and may I go as far as to say that he respects her.

If he ever wants to get out of advertising Don could start his own interior decorating firm for brothels.

Then Pete drops dime on Ken. What did he ever do to you?

It may have gotten lost in all the melee but did anyone else catch Bert's comment about never ending a war before an election?

However Pete got his comeupence when he got his arse handed to him by Lane. He may be a middle class Englishman but he is also a football fan and even I know better than to try and fight him. I'm sure that it's just a coincidence that an Englishman beat up a guy with a Scottish surname. I have one too and that is why I leave the English alone especially after they have actually won something. Plus the fact that I am an American so they have two reasons to dislike me.

The funny thing is that Lane should've been fighting Roger but his surname is Sterling and the English got their arses handed to them at Stirling Bridge. If you ever saw Braveheart you may think you know what I am talking about but the actual battle took place on the bloody bridge! Not beside it or in the general vicinity, on the bridge. History lesson over.

I guess the less said about, "chewing gum on the pubis" the better, except to say that it may be quote of the year. Next time--peanut M&Ms.

Lane then tried to extend the British Empire a bit too far by kissing Joan. Cannnot blame him there.

After all that Pete says, "Can't we all be friends?" The guy really does not get it. After all, Pete has screwed over, or at least tried to, most everyone in the company at some point.

At this point I really should follow the wise words of Ken Cosgrove, or Ben Hargrove, or Dave Algonquin or whoever he is and leave the writing to the writers.

In memory of Kenneth Wolstenholme

Random Thoughts about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

What is Axl Rose up to this time? I read his letter and it seems like once again he is being a bit selfish. It's not about you, it's about the fans. Then again why should he start thinking about the fans now?

I guess what he is saying is that Guns N' Roses is the band we have now and not the one(s) we remember from the 80s. What constitutes a band anyway? In the case of Van Halen it's having a least one guy named Van Halen. I remember their induction and all we got were Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony, two guys who either quit or were fired depending on whom you believe. In the Roth/Hagar debates I always stated that I didn't care that much as long as Eddie was in the band. Each singer had their strengths and weaknesses and I don't want to rehash them. Then there is the Gary Cherone era.

The induction ceremonies are often something to look forward to for all the wrong reasons. Admit it, we want to see a fight or at least a very uncomfortable moment. It seems like the only thing some bands can agree on is that they hate each other. Or in some cases everyone hates one person who usually the lead singer. I'm not going to mention any names. *cough* Talking Heads *cough*

The other day I saw a commercial for a Temptations concert. I am absolutely sure I am not in 1965. I think. I have no idea which of the various versions of the group it is but some would argue that the Temptations are David Ruffan, Eddie Kendrick, and erm . . . You get the point. As far as I know Otis Williams is the only original member still in the group. By the time I finish this who knows?

Much like the Temptations, Lynyrd Skynyrd are still touring. At least when I saw them in the 1990s there were still some original members. Last I heard the drummer from Damn Yankees was in the band. You can't make this stuff up.
Can we still call GN'R "GN'R"? There still is a Rose in the band but no Guns and he hasn't been with the band in decades. In fact the last time I saw LA Guns it was St Patrick's Day 2009 at Fado Irish Pub in Atlanta (you tell me) and it was the Phil Lewis version. Yes, there are competing versions. Can't we all get along?

That is the problem with bands that change members which one is the definitive one? I was born in 1968 so I don't remember Brian Jones being in the Rolling Stones but a lot of people who do say that Brian was the Stones.

Bon Scott was the lead singer of AC/DC in my youth but after he died Brian Johnson took over and he did the the nearly impossible-- he didn't suck. Some other bands such as Bad Company changed lead singers and they really were never the same.

The Doobie Brothers and Chicago got new singers and a ton of new fans. Whether it was for the best I have no idea but Time/Life sells a lot of compilation CDs so at least someone is making money.

So, in conclusion, Axl please pull your head out and take one for the team.

Mad Men "Mystery Date"

Or "Wes Craven's Mad Men." That was messed up. Honestly I did not think that Don killed Andrea. It's not that kind of show. If Twitter didn't explode it burped at the very least.

Sally really is going to end up with an eating disorder. I really shouldn't say that. It was kind of mean but it is the national pastime; making fun of  Sally. Some say that she is going to wind dead of a cocaine overdose in the ladies room of  Studio 51. Who knows? I just hope she gets sorted.

I've said it before and I will say it again-- Pauline is a real piece of work. What's even sadder is that I know people like her. Who doesn't? If you don't then look in the mirror because it's you. Your parents tell you not to take drugs but what do they do? They give you drugs. They say that it's just a prescription so it cannot harm you. Been there, done that.
What was all this business about the killer hating his mother? Maybe he does, maybe not. Who is she to play armchair psychologist? He said ironically.

Is it just me or does Ginsberg remind you a bit of Scott Baio? Maybe I'm just projecting again. He really is crap with women if he is like that all the time. A woman could offer him sex and he could talk her into handshake.

I had forgotten that Joan plays the accordion. How could I forget something like that? She thought that she was going to marry a doctor but boy was she wrong.

So basically Greg is going off to his death if you believe the rumors. I never liked him anyway.  

I still like the new Peggy. I just hope that nothing happens. I wonder if she is going to hook up with Ginsberg?

This is a lot harder than it looks kids. Don't try it at home. I don't.

I'm going home and taking a Seconal.

The Bicycle Diaries

6-24-09
I saw a dude wearing a Panama Jack shirt today. I didn't know my bike would do eighty-eight miles per hour.

7-1-09
I saw that guy yesterday. The guy I don't want to be. He was at Borders and he was wearing Livestrong shoes, shorts, sleeveless shirt, band, and an Astana cap. Close enough. He was also carrying a copy of the new book about Lance.

7-8-09
I'm still trying to watch the Tour. I say trying because the random local commercials are trying my patience, and no I'm not trying your product. It reached a whole new level of insanity today. They cut to commercial just as Thomas Voeckler was about to cross the finish line. ARRGH!!! It was the first breakaway win of the Tour. At least it wasn't a bunch sprint, so it could've been worse. Had it been Armstrong there would've a mass exodus to DirecTV.

7-9-09
I bought a new helmet the other day. Those are always good days. I'm easy to please. The real trick is to get the straps situated. I'm not anal or OCD about those sorts of things. That's a good thing because I'd never be able to wear it.
It seems that the more expensive the helmet the more ways there are to adjust it and therefore more ways to get it wrong. It's kind of like a race car that way. You have to keep track of everything that you have done so that you know what to do when you screw it all up. It's like using your GPS to backtrack when you end up 400 miles off course and you were only going to the mall.
Then when you think you have it you go out for a test spin and it feels all wrong. That's because all your adjustments were made sitting on your couch. It may look good in the mirror but feels different when you are on the road. At the end of the day I just try to get it the best I can because I can't go back to the store for a new head.

Mad Men "Tea Leaves"

Or the alternate title; "Don and Harry go to White Castle." I don't know how Harry ate twenty of those things. My record is fourteen but is was in high school at the time. Actually they were Krystals and no I don't want to have that debate. I like White Castle as well

Now we know what Betty has been doing for the last seventeen months-- hitting the Bugles and ice cream. Do they still make Bugles? I haven't seen them in fifteen years.

For a while there I thought that I wasn't going to get to make fun of her what with her thyroid and all. That was my excuse in high school but we all know the real reason don't we. If you have already forgotten then you must have been smoking some of whatever it was Harry was smoking. In fact I looked a lot like Betty in high school except that I'm a brunette and my boobs were bigger.

When Betty was in the tub I couldn't help but think about season one and the washing machine. Am I wrong?

For some reason I want to make a joke about Tyler Perry's Madea Gets a Job  but I'm not going to.

Jack likes Jack. By Roger's logic I should like Jim Beam. I do, but I think that it's a coincidence.

When Roger was saying that both he and Ginsberg wanted to throw something out the window did he mean Pete? Those two do not play well together.

Henry's mother Pauline should get together with Joan's mother Gail. There is a lot going on about parents this season. Aging too. We do it every day. Sorry. That was kind of a dad joke.

Don is a good parent despite only knowing what not to do. Every parent says, "We're going to be the cool parents!" I call B.S. Don't you think that Mr and Mrs Hitler said the same thing? As soon as the baby arrives you revert back to instinct, the first one being,"We must protect the child." And some people thought that I would never be able to work in a Doctor Who reference. Silly people.

Mad Men "A Little Kiss"

It's been a very long wait and I for one thought that it was worth it. Don actually married Megan. Is that a good thing? We'll see.

Don seems to marry women that he should have affairs with and has affairs with women that might be a good wife. Megan is good with the kids and that is very important. In a way Megan was the unselfish choice. I think Don would've been happy with Dr Faye but she's not good with kids and that is important to Don.

One of the very few things I have in common with Don is that I don't like being the center of attention, especially at birthday parties. I never had one as a kid but I really didn't want on. I went to a few and that wasn't always fun either.

Don's party was strange to say the least. If Betty had tried anything like "Zou Bisou Bisou" he would grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of the room. Then again Betty is too 1950s whereas Megan is  the Swinging Sixties.

Don wants Megan to be happy. Don seems happy. Is a happy Don Draper a good thing? The white rug was a massive mistake. Are there more to come?

I know that a lot was made of Megan's teeth last season and to be perfectly honest I didn't notice. Then again I'm not a teeth person. As long as a woman doesn't have meth mouth I'm good. I really can't judge other peoples teeth. If you ever saw mine you would swear that I'm British.

Speaking of British, Lane just can't catch a break. He practically has phone sex with a woman that he is desperate to meet and who shows up? Some schlub. At least he did have a nice chat with Joan. Don't get me started about Joan's mom.

Joan, we love her and we hate her and we feel for her. She never seems to get what she wants and when she does it is never as good as it seems. If the rumors are true it won't get any better. I did feel bad when she wasn't recognized when she went into the office. That had to be a bit humiliating, but not humbling.

Roger has to be the only person in the world who has less to do than me. He can't seem to do anything right. When Megan was singing you just know that he was thinking, "Why did I marry Jane? If I had waited a little while longer I would've had Megan." We've all done that but it wasn't a person but rather a phone.

Some people think that it was rather odd for Roger to carry around a wad of cash that large but it isn't. When I was a kid in the 1970s I used to see it all the time. Some of it was legal and some of it, not so much. That's all I'm saying. My hometown was a cross between Justified and Sons of Anarchy.

Pete, Pete, Pete. He doesn't even know it but he took a page out of the Don Draper playbook when he had his secretary pencil in the fake meeting. Yes Roger, everyone is  out to get you. If Pete had realized earlier on that Don was not his enemy but rather Roger then maybe he wouldn't have to whine about his office.That scene pretty much summed up Pete's whole work life.

On balance Don has been rather kind to Pete. If Pete wouldn't waste all his energy on Don he might have his name on the company letterhead.

Peggy seemed a bit confident. Maybe too much. At least she seems comfortable in the workplace. That's a start. Once again she expected Don to swoop in a save the day but he didn't. I loved it when she was holding Joan's baby. She was like, "Get him off me!"

The episode, and the season is about change but, one thing didn't change and I hope it never does-- Peggy's little dance. Perfect.